Navigating Neuromixed Relationships
February 2025
Relationships are already a wild ride. Add in different neurotypes, and things get even more interesting. Whether it’s ADHD and Autism, CPTSD and OCD, or any other combination, being in a neuromixed relationship often means you and your partner experience the world in completely different ways.
A Note on Lived Experience
This post comes from my own experience in a neuromixed relationship, along with what I’ve seen in others. Every relationship is unique, shaped by individual histories, personalities, and needs. If something here doesn’t resonate, that’s completely okay. Take what’s helpful and leave the rest.
What is a Neuromixed Relationship?
A neuromixed relationship is one where partners have different neurotypes. One person might be AuDHD and the other Autistic. Or maybe one partner is neurotypical and the other has CPTSD. These differences can bring challenges, but they can also create deep, meaningful connection that grows out of contrast.
Challenges and Strengths
Common Challenges:
Communication: One partner might be very direct and literal, while the other is more focused on emotional nuance.
Sensory Sensitivities: One person may love the energy of concerts and crowds, while the other finds them exhausting or even painful.
Emotional Regulation: Some people get overwhelmed by emotion, while others have trouble identifying what they’re feeling.
Executive Functioning: If both people struggle with planning and follow-through, daily life can feel overwhelming.
Core Strengths:
Balance: Where one person leans toward structure, the other may bring spontaneity. One may zoom in on details while the other holds the big picture.
Curiosity: You get a window into a completely different way of thinking, which can be eye-opening and expansive.
Creative Problem-Solving: Different ways of thinking often lead to more flexible and innovative solutions.
Making It Work
1. Understanding Sensory Needs
Sensory mismatches can lead to tension, but having a shared language around sensory needs makes a big difference. Knowing what soothes or overwhelms each of you can help prevent burnout. If you’re not sure where to start, consider using a sensory profile tool to get some insight.
2. Adapting Communication Styles
Conflict can feel tricky when you process things differently. One person might need to talk it out right away, while the other needs time and space. Before jumping to labels like “avoidant” or “anxious,” try to get curious. Maybe writing things down first helps. Maybe texting during a conflict feels safer than talking face to face. Experiment with what actually works, and talk about it when things are calm.
3. Embracing Differences and Staying Curious
One of the best parts of a neuromixed relationship is the chance to learn from each other. I love how my partner breaks things down in a logical, grounded way. I am impressed by the tools he uses to gather data and apply this to his actions every day (Fitness tracker, workflow apps). He’s intrigued by how I lead with how I feel and roll with changes. We recognize and are curious about what works for each of us, and allow space for that. What matters most is staying open and remembering that differences are not a threat. They’re part of what makes the relationship work.
Seeking Support and Building Self-Awareness
No matter your neurotype, relationships tend to work better when you also tune into yourself. Here are a few ways to grow in self-awareness:
Therapy or coaching with someone who understands neurodivergence. These professionals often have the nuance to support your experience. I shy away from professionals that look to “fix” a neurotype. I am partial to leaning into what works while processing (and sometimes grieving) what is hard or how we “want to be”.
Books, podcasts, and communities that reflect your world and help you feel seen.
Self-reflection through journaling, body awareness, feedback from trusted people, or anything else that helps you notice your patterns more clearly.
You don’t need fixing
Neuromixed relationships take work, but they can also be incredibly fulfilling. They ask us to be flexible, patient, and creative. The goal isn’t to change who you are. It’s to build something that actually works for your unique brains.
Remember, each person brings their own way of being into a relationship. There is no “gold standard” for how to do it right.
As a therapist, if you come to me hoping to change yourself to be more like your partner, I’m probably going to take a different approach. I’ll focus on helping you see your strengths and build on what works for you. You do not need to mold yourself to fit a neurotypical norm in order to be worthy of love.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The Hidden Complexity of Being 2e: Navigating Giftedness and Neurodivergence
January 2025
If you’ve felt caught between brilliance and burnout, between strengths and struggles, you might be what’s called “2e.”
2e, or twice-exceptional, means you’re both gifted and neurodivergent. You might live with ADHD, Autism, or learning differences like dyslexia. That mix of high ability and real need can feel confusing and exhausting all at once.
Let’s talk about what it’s like to grow up being called “gifted,” only to later discover a, Autism, ADHD or other diagnosis.
Gifted, but at What Cost?
As kids, some of us were praised for being “bright,” “ahead of our time,” or “quick learners.” That validation felt good. But being labeled as gifted wasn’t always a gift.
The Praise Trap
Maybe you could solve puzzles in minutes but never remembered to turn in your homework. Maybe you spent hours deep in books but felt overwhelmed by the noise and chaos of the playground. You were smart, so why wasn’t everything easy?
The answer might be that your brain wasn’t just fast. It was wired differently.
Autism as a Missing Puzzle Piece
For a lot of late-diagnosed adults, understanding their diagnosis can help things click into place. It can explain the hard parts, but also the things you were really good at. It’s not just about what was “wrong”, it’s about understanding what was always true.
Giftedness and Autism: Where They Overlap
Here are a few shared experiences:
Hyperfocus and Special Interests
People may have called you “passionate” or “obsessed” when you spent hours on your favorite thing. But it wasn’t just interest, it was full immersion.
Social Confusion
Maybe small talk always felt pointless. Maybe you were told you were “too intense” or “a little awkward.” It wasn’t about being shy. You were working hard to read social cues that didn’t come naturally.
Sensory Sensitivities
If loud noises, scratchy clothes, or bright lights made you feel overwhelmed, you might have been called dramatic. But really, your sensory system was working overtime.
The Weight of Expectations
When people think you’re gifted, it can come with an unspoken message: you should be able to do everything. So when burnout hits, it can feel like you’ve failed. But you haven’t. You were just expected to do it all without the support you needed.
Reframing the Narrative
Finding out you’re Neurodivergent doesn’t take away your strengths. It helps you make sense of them. It gives you a more honest story about your life. A story that includes your brilliance, your struggles, and your real needs.
What parts of your childhood make more sense through a Neurodivergent lens? Getting curious about that can be the first step toward real self-compassion. It can also help you fully embrace what it means to be 2e.
White Western Therapists and How We Appropriate
December 2024
Let me just start with this: I’ve done it. I’ve absolutely done the thing I’m about to critique. As a white therapist working in a Western psychological framework, I’ve taken practices like mindfulness and tapping and used them without fully understanding their origins. I’ve taught them to clients, framed them as “modern therapeutic techniques,” and patted myself on the back for being innovative and evidence-based.
I cringe when I think about how often I’ve stripped these practices of their cultural and spiritual significance. I’ve repackaged them in ways that feel comfortable for me and my clients, all while failing to acknowledge, or sometimes even know, the rich histories and cultures these practices come from.
This post isn’t about calling anyone out but myself. If you’ve done this too, welcome to the club. Let’s sit in the discomfort together and figure out how to do better.
Western Psychology’s Appropriation Problem
Western psychology has a long history of claiming “innovative” therapeutic practices that are, in reality, borrowed from non-Western cultures. These practices are often stripped of their depth, reframed for Western audiences, and marketed as groundbreaking solutions to modern problems. The result? The cultural origins of these practices are erased, and white practitioners profit while the communities that developed these methods are left out of the conversation.
Let’s take a closer look at some examples.
Mindfulness: A Buddhist Tradition Stripped Bare
Mindfulness is one of the most glaring examples of appropriation in therapy. Its roots lie in ancient Buddhist traditions, particularly Vipassana meditation and Zen practices. These practices are deeply spiritual, emphasizing ethics, compassion, and interconnectedness.
When Jon Kabat-Zinn introduced Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) in the 1970s, he credited Buddhism as his inspiration but also secularized the practice to make it more accessible to Western audiences. This made mindfulness palatable to corporate and healthcare environments, turning it into a wellness tool rather than a spiritual discipline.
As mindfulness grew in popularity, its Buddhist origins were often erased, replaced by a focus on individual productivity and stress management. The spiritual richness and ethical framework tied to mindfulness were sidelined, transforming a holistic tradition into a commodified wellness product.
Tapping: Borrowing from Chinese Medicine
Another example is tapping, or the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which involves tapping on specific acupressure points to manage emotional distress. This practice is rooted in Chinese medicine’s meridian theory, which views energy flow as essential to health and well-being.
The practice of tapping owes its existence to traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), where techniques like acupressure and acupuncture are integral to healing. However, EFT has been marketed in Western contexts as a stand-alone technique for emotional regulation, often without acknowledgment of its origins. Western adaptations frequently overlook the depth of TCM’s philosophy, reducing tapping to a quick-fix tool.
Holistic Healing and Somatic Therapies
Western psychology’s embrace of holistic and somatic therapies also has roots in non-Western traditions. Practices involving movement, rhythm, and body-based healing are central to African, Afro-Caribbean, and Indigenous cultures. These methods have been used for centuries in rituals designed to process trauma and foster communal connection.
In Western contexts, these practices are often reframed as individualistic therapeutic tools like somatic experiencing. For example, Indigenous rituals that use communal dance and rhythm to heal emotional wounds are adapted into body-based techniques focused on personal trauma recovery, removing their original spiritual and cultural meanings.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and the Medicine Wheel
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by white psychologists like Steven Hayes, draws on principles like mindfulness, values-based living, and psychological flexibility. These ideas parallel holistic frameworks used in Indigenous cultures, particularly the Native American medicine wheel.
The medicine wheel represents balance across physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual domains, guiding Indigenous approaches to life and healing. By framing concepts like balance and interconnectedness as novel Western ideas, ACT erases Indigenous intellectual traditions. This erasure occurs alongside the ongoing marginalization of Indigenous communities, perpetuating a cycle where white practitioners profit from Indigenous knowledge.
The Harm of Cultural Appropriation in Therapy
Cultural appropriation in mental health care isn’t just an abstract issue, it has real, harmful consequences:
- Erasure of Cultural Significance: Healing practices are reduced to tools, stripped of their spiritual and cultural depth.
- Exclusion of Originating Communities: The cultures that created these practices rarely benefit from their commercialization. Instead, white practitioners and corporations profit.
- Loss of Authenticity: Practices like mindfulness and somatic therapies lose their integrity when divorced from their cultural and philosophical contexts.
How Therapists Can Do Better
So, where do we go from here? Here are some steps we can take to move toward greater cultural respect and humility in therapy:
- Acknowledge the Origins: Recognize and honor the cultural roots of practices like mindfulness, tapping, and somatic healing.
- Engage with Communities: Collaborate with the communities these practices come from to ensure their respectful use and share the benefits.
- Educate Ourselves and Clients: Learn about the cultural and spiritual contexts of these practices, and share that knowledge with clients.
- Challenge the Narrative of Western Innovation: Push back against the idea that Western psychology is inventing these tools. Acknowledge that much of what we use comes from centuries of wisdom in non-Western cultures.
Conclusion
Doing this post was humbling because I had to confront the ways I’ve personally contributed to the very problem I’m discussing. If you’re a therapist or a wellness practitioner, I hope you reflect on your own practices and make changes where needed.
Cultural appropriation in therapy doesn’t just erase traditions, it diminishes the depth and effectiveness of the very practices we rely on to help others. By honoring the origins of these practices, we can begin to repair the harm and build a more inclusive, respectful field.
I’m not done learning or unlearning, and I hope you’re not either.
Disclosing Disability at Work
January 2024
If you have Autism and/or ADHD, you may have considered disclosing your disability status at work. Perhaps you have been unsure if this would be helpful, or if you would face any unwanted consequences. It can be empowering to know your rights under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). I want to share some key insights about navigating disability disclosure in the workplace.
Autism, ADHD & the ADA
Did you know that both Autism and ADHD are recognized under the ADA? This gives you legal protections at your job, which is super important.
Reasonable Accommodations
You deserve a workspace where you can thrive. Whether it’s needing a quieter corner, flexible hours, or tools to keep things organized, these accommodations are not just niceties, they’re your right.
Your Privacy, Your Choice
Deciding to disclose your diagnosis can be tough. Remember, it’s entirely up to you. If you choose not to share specifics, you can still ask for accommodations under the ADA. Need help deciding? Check out this helpful tool for some guidance.
Standing Up Against Discrimination:
If you ever feel discriminated against because of your autism, it’s crucial to speak up. Document what happens and talk to HR or a trusted supervisor. You can also reach out to the EEOC for support.
For more in-depth info, the ADA National Network is a great resource.
Stay strong and keep advocating for yourself!
Embracing Your Creative Identity
December 2023
For many neurodivergent folks, ADHD isn’t just about the struggles with focus, organization, or the classic “where did I put my keys?” scenario. It’s also about having a mind that can leap from idea to idea, creating connections that others might not see. Research indicates that individuals with ADHD often display remarkable levels of creativity. This isn’t surprising, considering the hallmark traits of ADHD, like divergent thinking and a preference for novelty, are also central to creative thought.
If you’re neurodivergent, you might find that your best ideas come in bursts, often at unexpected times. Your creativity may not follow a linear path, but rather it dances to the rhythm of your unique neural wiring. The key is to harness this creativity without feeling constrained by conventional norms. Here are some strategies to help you do just that:
Create a Flexible Routine
While structure is important, too rigid a schedule can stifle creativity. Build a routine that allows for spontaneous bursts of creative activity. I use “Time Blocking” and this is my favorite template: Time Blocking Template
Embrace Your Hyperfocus
ADHD often comes with the ability to hyperfocus – use this to your advantage in creative pursuits. When inspiration strikes, dive in deeply.
Use Transition Tools
It can be hard to switch gears out of our focus, and unfortunately we sometimes must. Use a visual timer, or an alarm. Make sure you build in “closing up time” to transition out of the task.
Write That Shit Down
With thoughts racing at a hundred miles an hour, it’s easy to lose track of those brilliant ideas. Keep a journal handy to jot down thoughts, sketches, or sudden insights.
Explore Different Mediums
Creativity isn’t just about painting or writing. It can be cooking, coding, gardening, or anything that allows you to express yourself. Experiment with different mediums to find what resonates with you.
Join a Community
Connect with others who share your neurodivergent traits and creative interests. Community support is invaluable for encouragement and inspiration. If you are having trouble connecting in person-social media (facebook groups) has your back.
You Are Unique
It’s important to acknowledge that ADHD comes with its set of challenges. Distractions, time management difficulties, and societal misunderstandings can be hurdles. However, when these challenges are navigated skillfully, they can become pathways to innovative solutions and creative triumphs.
To my neurodivergent pals out there, remember: your unique way of thinking and experiencing the world is awesome.
Embracing Sensory Integration in Mental Health Therapy
Cultural Acknowledgment
I acknowledge that this practice draws inspiration from a variety of cultural traditions. Indigenous communities, particularly Native American cultures, have long used sand and symbolic imagery in sacred healing rituals like sand painting. Tibetan Buddhist mandalas and Japanese Zen garden aesthetics also inform the symbolic and reflective aspects of sandtray work.
As a practitioner, I recognize that the therapeutic use of sandtray therapy in Western psychology has been shaped by these cultural practices, often without proper acknowledgment.
December 2023
In my practice, I prioritize creating a therapeutic environment that is not only emotionally nurturing but also sensory supportive. In our sessions, I invite clients to explore their sensory preferences and sensitivities, and integrate sensory tools that interest them during the session. These tools include weighted lap pads, Sandtray, balance boards, theraputty, visual timers, and bilateral sounds to engage various sensory systems. Folks often have a lot of fun exploring tools and report better focus, decreased anxiety, and a heightened sense of comfort and safety during our sessions. These sensory tools not only cater to specific sensory needs but also open new pathways for therapeutic exploration and healing.
The 8 senses?
Along with the usual 5 sense (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) there are three critical sensory systems: proprioception, the vestibular sense, and interoception.
Proprioception refers to the body’s ability to sense itself in space. Tools like weighted lap pads and theraputty can help in grounding, providing a sense of physical stability that translates into emotional balance.
The vestibular sense is linked to balance and spatial orientation. Incorporating an exercise ball or balance board in therapy sessions aids in developing this sense, which can be particularly beneficial for clients who experience disorientation in stressful situations.
Interoception involves the internal sensations of the body, like hunger, thirst, and emotional responses. We do A LOT of work in this area. Using exercises such as guided mindfulness practices and polyvagal exercises help build awareness and tap into our body’s internal experience.
By embracing sensory integration, we step into a realm of therapy that is holistic, innovative, and profoundly attuned to the individual needs of each client. And it’s really fun.
-Anna Roots, Professional Counselor Associate
Sandtray in Session
November 2022
Sandtray therapy engages a person in a hands on psychological experience. It is a powerful tool that allows individuals to control their own narrative. Sandtray is a highly regarded in the Play Therapy world as a tool that allows children to engage with experiences and thoughts beyond verbal processing. Sandtray’s benefits, however, reach across all ages. Engaging our multi-sensory system can allow us further access to our experiences. It can also simply relax our nervous system and allow for more ability to engage in the session.
In our office, there is a large selection of characters, symbols, and other miniatures. You are invited to bring whatever items you are interested in interacting with to the table. You may also choose to simply use the Sandtray as a sensory tool and play in the sand while we engage in talk therapy.
Our Sandtray sessions are always client-led and not reliant on the clinician’s interpretation, but instead on the client’s experience of the process. Sandtray is offered as an option during session and level of engagement is always up to the client.
-Anna Roots, Professional Counselor Associate
Holiday Gatherings are on the way. Need a Plan?
November 2022
No longer are we gathered around our devices for an obligatory Zoom call. This year, you will likely be expected to show up in person. If you are filled with a sense of dread as you look toward these events, you aren’t alone. For neurodivergent folks, specifically with sensory and/or social sensitivities, these events can be very stressful.
Dreading these gatherings has no baring on how you might feel about your family. It is very possible to have strong relationships and enjoy the company of family members (or specific ones), but find the large group gathering to be overwhelming. When someone has sensory sensitivities, as many as all 5 senses can feel overloaded in a crowded environment. Put on top of that the social expectation of a family event and it can all be very dysregulating.
So what can we do? Prepare and get support. It is important that we treat our sensory and social needs as we would any other biological need. Just as we would expect access to a bathroom at a social event, ND folks should expect safe and accessible ways to regulate their nervous system. Having shame around these needs can prevent us from communicating with our support people. Plan ahead by checking in with yourself and your support people.
Download my EVENT RESILIENCY PLAN to prepare for a better feeling holiday. This is your holiday too and you deserve to feel comfortable and not in distress. The people who love you are going to support you in this.
-Anna Roots, Professional Counselor Associate